As I sit here in front of a course online that I don’t want to finish, as usual for me, I see the television over my computer screen playing reruns of the show “Criminal Minds” while my dog and kitten sleep, sonorously breathing in the background. I have found in life that my path is often one that is taken alone. There seems to be friendships, partners, lovers, and my beloved husband with me at times, but the path I am on, my journey, is one of solitude and self reflection.
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” Havelock Ellis
I have held on a long time to slipping back into the comfort of my lack of self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, whatever name one would wish to call this black hole I allow inside me to grow slowly then slowly ebb away on an off for the past half century. I do remember a time as a toddler where I knew I was connected to God or Creator. I knew in my bones, my cells, my tiny fine hairs on my head and arms that I was an electrical current full of Light. That feeling of connection and light has visited me again in the past eight years, on and off–and that current flowed through me when I was a young mother. The Black Hole has also visited me. Why? How can I be filled with such light and feeling of connectedness at one moment and then be overpowered with the Black Hole in the next moment? My counselors have told me what a strong personal journey I have experienced as a woman, and how strong I am at the core. I know this. I survived my mother’s suicide. I have seen my beloved father die. I witnessed my beloved mother-in-law struggle for her life with cancer and die in the arms of her family, and I saw my first cousin, a man of strength and pure love and artistry in his soul, die before my eyes, another victim of cancer. I am not unfamiliar with the “longing” to pass. I am not unfamiliar with the journey in spirit we all make in this life. I now turn full circle in my life, back to partnership, trust, compassionate co-existence, love.
Perhaps what I long for, right now, is the answer we all search for all of our lives. Is the pain of loss, and the joy of love, always so interconnected? Is letting go and holding on the same action in some spaces we hold for ourselves? Is the purpose of my visits from the Black Hole in my youth’s soul, a survivor of rape, a survivor of abuse, there to reinforce my Light, my electrical connection to Source, God, Creator? I had an aquaintaince friend of mine doubt very strongly that I could practice effectively “A Course In Miracles” alone. I smiled. I told him that I had started the “course” with a friend in ’94, and had carried on with the coursework after she had moved on to Colorado. I am there. Back in a flash to those years as a stay at home mom, two little girls, cats, guiena pigs, toast and scrambled eggs in the morning hours, a husband rarely home on time, and the knowledge that I was the surest source of love for my girls and myself. I missed Elaine when she left, and I tried to substitute her frienship with another mom who did not have the same background or interests, but I pursued my course, my choice for love, my holy instants.
We all make the choice to join others in our search, or simply journey alone. I feel that all paths link, cross each other’s paths, and run parallel to one antoher at times, but we all journey here alone until we connect ouselves to Source, Creator, God.
Today –after another night alone in my mountain home–I turn off the insipid televison reruns of “Criminal Minds” and just pause, just sit to listen to the silence of the house, waiting for my beloved Kevin to return to me next week. I wait and listen for the annunciation of my Light each day, and it arrives. God slips in my front door gently and silently as always as I stare into the green foliage and hear the singing of the birds. My kitten purrs. My mind clears. The pain of my body, slowly fades to the backgournd, and becomes a connection agian to love. The computer coursework awaits, patiently, as I take in with a slow inhale that Light, that perfection of Life, that Source, that being one with all of my past, all of my present, and smiling expectantly toward my furture. I lean forward, and I smile.
Yes, the black hole slips out of sight. Light has arrived, and stays. It is a journey I make with the conscious choice to love. Love. Letting go and holding on, to Love.