The Drum Dance

When I gifted myself with a drum this past year, I had little idea of the effect or importance  of my gift. I have been visiting East Glacier Park Village for the past 8 years, attending a traditional Blackfeet sweat lodge, multiple pow wows. And this journeying to my holy ground of northern Montana began the most radical and most needed leg of my spiritual quest to find myself. I had spent decades avoiding my inner landscape, and yet, through the beauty of  nature’s seasonally changing attire on the Blackfeet Nation’s glorious rolling high prairie and majestic mountains  — introduced to  me by my life long friend, and adopted Blackfeet tribe member, Anna Rainingnight. There is not a good description of Anna other than an incredible friend, strong, generous, mindful of others, an intellectual superior. always present, always the teacher in my life.

The sky of Montana seduces, completely. The wind — the sun- the stars– the northern lights in June and July– all beckon like a Lover’s  kisses on my needy brow. I see my travels there as my sojourn to myself, my acceptance of my mortality and my spirit. I travel there as often as possible, regardless of price, regardless of time spent there- I must see the prairie and the mountains.

This past summer, I left  my holy ground unexpectedly soon, and in a hurry this time, returning with Anna to attend to her father as he passed over to the Spirit World — July 2013 when Mandela began his same journey.  The last night I spent in East Jesus – a.k.a. East Glacier- allowing Anna again to teach me about mindful generosity as she took me to Two Medicine Lake at dusk before we packed to drive a marathon back to Arkansas -1698miles -as quickly as possible.  The drum I purchased earlier that spring awaited me — hanging on my bedroom’s wall, to be drummed when Howard passed — after I heard his soul greet me with laughter only hours after he had passed, a mere six hours after Anna and I arrived back to her family home here in Arkansas. So, tonight after the first Christmas without Howard, without Anna’s annual  sojourn home in December  but  Anna still present with gifts.. With the lesson, Anna gives me every year- compassion and generosity– I see the Montana Sky in my mind. I feel that Kiss of Montana, and tonight I will play my drum in honor of Howard, Anna, Valentina, Betty, Star, Autumn and Em, Annie and Allen… The kiss of my Spirit. The Drum Dance of my return to my soul.

The Kiss

Are you shaken, are you stirred
    By a whisper of love,
Spellbound to a word
    Does Time cease to move,
Till her calm grey eye
    Expands to a sky
And the clouds of her hair
    Like storms go by?
Then the lips that you have kissed
    Turn to frost and fire,
And a white-steaming mist
    Obscures desire:
So back to their birth
    Fade water, air, earth,
And the First Power moves
    Over void and dearth.
Is that Love? no, but Death,
    A passion, a shout,
The deep in-breath,
    The breath roaring out,
And once that is flown,
    You must lie alone,
Without hope, without life,
    Poor flesh, sad bone.

The Dumpster Effect

 Dumpster EffectWhen I got an e-mail from a so called friend who had called a man I had dated “trash” — this was my response. I still stand by it today even though the “dumpster effect” does seem to exist on our collective minds about some folks– it is Illusion–a sophistry of spiritual  deadness to call any human trash– our choices are  only love or fear based. Not possible for us to be any thing but God’s creation.Beloved Friend,

I am up and on my way to a Saturday session for my kids  at school.  I just wanted to clarify something. I consider Cole —  to be one of the great loves of my life.  I have been honored to have been able to help him, help his son Jackson —–

in college, and Cole was the kindest man I ever knew, in bed and out of bed—to ME. He gave a huge piece of me back to me—God and Love and Life—to me.  That was, I believe, his purpose in my life.  He –unfortunately for me—was just not the kind of man who commits to ONE woman, and he was quite honest about this and his history.  He needed my affection and money, but Cole loved Beth–not me. His ex-wife was the love of his life. I knew this. It hurt to know this, but I am not a fool about matters of the heart. I never expected to fall so deeply in love with him, but I also was aware that he was not ready nor would EVER be ready to settle down to one woman, especially a white woman. I was his “dessert tray” after a lot of long lonely years, and he needed me that way. I get that.  I forgave myself for being the fool in love, and I forgave him for not loving me.  He may  have enjoyed hanging out with me, but he was never, ever, in any way, telling me he loved me or was looking for me to be the ONE. At this point, Arnett, I deserve MORE in life. I deserve to be cherished and respected. If I am the only one left to cherish and respect myself, so be it. God had the controls, and not me. I am just here to serve God’s will.

EVERY single man I have dated I consider a sacred being, a soul—God’s child— every man—-and one whom I was supposed to meet for some reason. I tried very hard to always be KIND and good—even to those men who intentionally deceived me or hurt me in some form or fashion. All humans are sacred souls.  I had lessons to learn and these men also had lessons to learn, we all taught each other about the sacred journey we are on in this life.  I don’t regret any thing I ever attempted, because I wanted the BEST for all concerned.  I have prayed for forgiveness to God for my mistakes, my shortcomings, my sins–missing the mark in life, and  prayed for the ability to forgive those in my life who harmed me or hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally. NO HUMAN is garbage.  NO human is trash. Some relationships end up in the trash because one person or the other can’t grow or isn’t ready to grow toward a new way of being with one another. Please know I wanted to tell you that you are sacred, special and blessed simply because of being here on earth as a human. I know not the end of my journey, but I know I have loved with an open heart, and have been as generous to others as I could. I will continue on my path. Then, God willing, I will go Home to Him.
Love and Light and Blessings Sent.